These last 5 almost 6 months have been the most amazing journey. As I embarked upon my journey from Boston to South Florida, I had no idea what was ahead of me. It has been the most incredible spiritual journey I have ever been on. I had grown up knowing God and wanting to serve Him but like many of us I got lost along the way; as the storms of life started to clutter my ability to see or even hear from God. I remember praying and begging God to help me but never hearing a response back. I began to get frustrated and threw my hands up in the air. The reasons for which I ended up in Boston where less than desirable – ultimately when being honest with myself I was trying to escape my problems and the pain that my family had caused me. It truly was a very scary time in my life as I was living in a new place, no family, no friends and no support system such as my church family. I remember feeling for the first time in my life that I was alone – truly alone and more vulnerable than I had ever been. It took me many years to realize that the enemy had me right where he wanted me – paralyzed and confused. About two years ago, I started my journey of deep searching and trying to figure out how had come to this point in my life.
As they say hind sight is always 20/20, I have a tendency to want to analyze and try to make sense out of chaos and in some crazy way this has been one aspect of survival that I found worked for me. I think there is a lot to be gained by looking at where you have been and where you come from to evaluate your current circumstances. However, it can also be very dangerous ground if you let your past dictate your future and allow it to paralyze you further from making necessary changes in your life. I began to dig deeply asking God why He had been silent in the midst of my storms; the answer I found was pretty profound – I was paying so much attention to the waves from the storms that were brewing all around me that it was ultimately consuming me. I was asking God to take it all away, to make it stop but sometimes God does not operate the way we want. After all, He knows us; He knows what we need in order to truly be free. Let me explain, the trials I was going through where actually making me deal with the pain of not only my childhood but also my present. In essence, God was not silent I was simply not paying attention to what He was trying to tell me. The one thing I realized is that in order to be free from the pain of my past experiences I had to actually deal with them! In today’s society, it is almost hip to be on some sort of mood altering drug – I can’t tell you how many people I have seen from working as a medical assistant – who are just looking for a quick escape. They want to be able to pop a “happy” pill and be well – that’s all fine and dandy but the heart of the issue is being completely bypassed. How are these people expected to live happy holistic lives when they can’t or won’t take the time to deal with their pain? You always have the option of running away and taking the easy route but when looking at the long term picture: is that what is truly best for you? I guess in a lot of ways that was me! Although, I have never been on mood altering drugs, I tried to take the easy way out by running away from my problems. I was talking to God like He was some giant genie in the sky and that he was going to make all my problems just – poof – disappear! That’s not reality and that’s not the way God operates. He wants us to be completely well not just gain a temporary fix!
When my problems did not disappear I began to get frustrated with God, as I mentioned earlier. I did not understand why this was happening to me as I had lived the way I knew God wanted me to, I had done everything in my power to do the right thing ( of course failing many times but that is what’s called – grace!) and tried to be a good person. In a moment of desperation, I was praying and in this still small voice God was asking me to let all of the hurt go because He was going to help me with it. I had been trying to carry all of my own burdens as if they were my cross to bear never fully understanding that I could actually be healed from the inside out. Once I opened my heart, the opportunities for true healing finally started to come – yes, admittedly there were times where I thought I couldn’t bare where God was taking me but He some how gave me the strength I lacked. I now can look back and say why didn’t I do this sooner! I have felt so free and God has given me the ability to start to open up my heart to others when I thought I would never be able to. I had been hurt so many times the by those I loved the most that it seemed easier to keep everyone at a distance that way I would never be hurt. However, it began to be clear to me I was living in my own form of prison and was not happy with my own solution to the problem because it only isolated me further from where I truly longed to be.
It is so vital to our survival to understand that we cannot do anything all by ourselves and that there is a loving and caring God who loves us and wants us to live in His freedom. Of course, this path is never the easy way but it is the path of greatest fulfillment and healing. As I gave everything over to Christ, I watched as my load became lighter and the wounds were merely becoming scars to only serve as a reminder of where I had been and how I needed to willing to reach out to others who are hurting. How can we help others when we ourselves aren’t well? We can’t help others if we are always running from our own problems, pain and wounds that plague us. The thing I learned was to give it to my creator – let it all go – everything!!! Embrace the journey by giving it all over to Christ, I can now live in His freedom and have the ability to be healed and to help others in need. We are in a “quick fix” generation where we say we want it RIGHT NOW! - if not yesterday! Can we really apply this way of thinking to our own emotional well being and deceive ourselves into thinking that it’s taking care of the problem? Unfortunately, too many people are buying it and it’s pretty apparent when you open your eyes and look around at all the destruction that is present in people’s lives.
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